I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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