# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
