my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
