My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
