I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
