Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
