Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
