We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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