I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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