There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
