If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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