Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
