Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Your cock deserves a montage
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
