Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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