I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
