I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
