HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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