The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
