thus making me awesome and them whores
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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