i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
