come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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