using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
someone owes me an orgasm
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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