just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
