the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
