There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
