oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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