Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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