I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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