dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
