Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
