WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
