i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
