you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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