He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
