Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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