I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
