i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
