party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Im part way to drunk.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
