in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Is it because I queefed?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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