did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
