she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
