mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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