Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
