last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
