Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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