Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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