Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
