Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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