i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
