I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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