May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
and you said cock pushups were impossible
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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