Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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