I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
