my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
