I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
